April 5, 2005.

I'm beautiful!

by Lеаnnе Bеll

"I want to take some pictures." I blurted out awkwardly. "Of you, pictures of you, I mean. If I can. I mean, if you can. If you want to, that is. If that's okay." With that flourish of eloquence, I stopped talking and smiled weakly.

She smiled back at me with a hint of amusement, and, mercifully, understanding. She was lounging luxuriously in a poolside chair, her long, tanned, perfectly shaped legs stretching out before her, her mane of golden hair resting casually over one shoulder, grazing one of her full, sumptuous breasts. I guessed she must be close to six feet tall, the way her hips rested on the edge of the rattan chair and her legs carried on forever. She was a bronzed goddess with a girl next door smile, and she was naked as the day she was born. Sitting there, holding out her hand to me in polite introduction, impervious to her state of undress or how uncomfortable it might be making me.

"Of course it's okay, that's what I'm here for. I'm Alіsоn. And you are...?"

"Daniel" I managed, shaking her hand lightly. Should I have kissed it? What was the procedure here? "I'm Dаnіеl. Do we, uh...do we do last names?"

She laughed. "We don't don't do last names. Mіnе's Kеppеnfеldt, I'm sure yours can't be worse."

"No, no, it's not that, I just..." I cleared my throat and looked around awkwardly. Everywhere, beautiful women strolled the grounds of this Bеаυty Pаrk place, some in conversation with guests or each other, some posing for photographs.

"Sit down, Daniel." She motioned to the chair opposite her. "You seem a little nervous."

Great. What man wants a gorgeous woman to tell him he 'seems nervous'? I smiled and pulled out the chair and sat down with as much aplomb as I could muster. Now I was eye level with her, treated to a full on view of her ample breasts. I tried not to let my eyes wander too far afield, but she was absolutely stunning. I took a moment just to take all of her in, imaging the kind of images I could make with such a model.

"You're a photographer then?" she asked conversationally.

We both knew it was an banal question with an obvious answer, but bless her for trying to put me at ease. "Yes. Well, just getting started, actually. I've done a lot of studio work but this is the first time I've..." I trailed off. "What I mean is, I've never been here before. It's...quite a place."

She studied me for a moment, and then reached for the tumbler of lemonade on the table in front of her. "But...?"

"What? Oh, no. No but." I scoffed, but her eyes saw through me. I smiled self-consciously, disarmingly, and sighed. "Well, it's not so much a 'but'... I've just got to ask you...how do you...do this?"

She tensed, ever so slightly. It was such a small change that came over I barely noticed it, but it was there. She flipped her hair back a little defiantly and regarded me evenly.

"What do you mean?"

"This..." I motioned self-consciously toward her. "This being naked all the time. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great. But aren't you a little..." I searched for the word. "Scared? I mean, aren't you kind of vulnerable here, being as beautiful as you are, walking around nude in front of all sorts of strange men?"

She laughed then, and the tension slipped away. "Wow, what a sinister way to put it. Are you one of these strange men I should be afraid of?"

"God, no" I said quickly, embarrassed. "I mean other guys, you know. Guys who –"

"I know what you mean." She said. "But honestly, it isn't a problem. We do have security here, but it hasn't been an issue, not as long as I've been here. Once or twice you get someone who thinks he's in love with a girl just because of her beauty, but no one has ever done anything remotely threatening or inappropriate."

"Forgive me, but I find that hard to believe. You're so beautiful – everyone here is just stunning. And so friendly and warm. I can't believe no one ever...makes things uncomfortable for you."

She looked at me with eyes that sparkled against the sun. "To be honest, I feel more uncomfortable out there,' she nodded towards the distant wrought iron gates and the outskirts of town just beyond. "with all my clothes on than I do in here with all of them off. That's the truth."

"You can't be serious."

"I'm very serious." She took a last sip of lemonade and put the glass back on the table. "Whеn I'm not at work, my life is entirely different. More difficult by a long shot. In here, being six feet tall, having big breasts and straight teeth and naturally blonde hair, well, it's just considered a talent I have. One that's respected and enjoyed without any hangups or problems. But out there..." she rolled her eyes. "Well, you know what I mean."

She rested her chin in one hand and cocked her head to the side as she smiled. Freckles dusted her nose, and sprinkled the high ridges of her cheeks. She had a strong face, but it was softened by the depths of her clear green eyes, so engaging that it was hard to look away. At that moment I knew for certain what I had always suspected: there was such a thing as true beauty, no matter what soap commercials had tried to guilt me into believing. Some women were graced with true, timeless beauty. Maybe it was the way she moved, or the warmth of her smile, or the way her cornsilk hair tumbled softly over her face as she brushed it back with a sweep of her hand. I also knew I could spend a lifetime uncovering the secrets of this magical, delightful phenomenon.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean." I said, half dreamily. "I've never been a gorgeous woman so I wouldn't know."

"Well, for one thing, guys hit on me all the time, all sorts of guys. And I don't mean in a nice way, like "would you like to go to dinner" or something civilized. I get grabbed, pinched, slapped, rubbed up against...I don't take public transportation anymore, because I'm always getting pawed by something lecherous jerk who thinks he has the right to manhandle me. "

The image that popped into my head was of the countless lost souls I'd seen on buses and subways over the years, the rheumy old men and young turks that showed fangs when they smiled. I knew the kind, alright. Suddenly I wanted to protect her from ever having to suffer one of them again.

"But the women are worse." She went on. "I used to work for a large company, and I could never make friends with the women there. They'd all stand around the water cooler, whispering and sneering as I walked by. It didn't matter what I wore, or what I did, or how I behaved, they all hated me on sight. When I was promoted, they all said it was because of my cup size, or because I must have been sleeping with the boss. Which I wasn't."

"Well, I mean, those are just a few isolated cases, a few miserable people." I said, trying to be a ray of sunshine.

"If only that were true." She said, her eyes sparkling again. "Seriously. You think beautiful girls are luckier in love? Men only want us for our looks, and will dump us for a prettier version in a heartbeat. You think we get better jobs? I had to leave my last job because no one respected me, they assumed I'd risen through the ranks on my knees, so to speak."

"Yes, but..."

"And do you know how many times I've been called 'impossible' or been told that I'm not a 'real' woman? Do you know how ironic it is to be the epitome of woman, to be the superlative of everything female, and to be declared 'plastic' or 'artificial' because of it?"

I could see real pain in her eyes, and I felt an instant surge of remorse for leading her down this path. It was heartbreaking to see this vibrant, beautiful, intelligent woman of spirit and vivacity fighting back tears as she talked to me. I felt like a heel. If the ground could have swallowed me up right then... it would have been too easy a death.

To my surprise, she brightened again, the pain vanishing from her eyes. "But it's different here. Finally. I come to work every day and no one gives me a hard time. No one passes judgement on me, no one treats me like I'm some sort of freak. In here, finally, I can just stand up and say "I'm beautiful. This is my gift in life, I'm beautiful."

She threw her hair back and lifted her arms in triumphant emphasis. "I'm beautiful" she shouted loudly, and laughed as a few other people in the distance turned and smiled in her direction. "I'm beautiful and finally, finally, I can say it out loud."

"Hold that right there." I said, reaching for my camera. "Let's show everyone just how right you are."

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